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Resolutions or Goals?

30 Monday Dec 2019

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Happy New Year!! I love this part of the holiday season for a couple of reasons. It just seems so fresh and alive (I know, that’s usually what people feel about Spring…but I feel it about the New Year). I see this time of year as a positive time to reflect on the past year as well as recharge myself and look forward to the opportunities of the new year coming. I’ve never been big on making resolutions mostly because I’ve always seen them as a setup for failure. However, in recent years I have started looking at the end of the year/beginning of the new year as more of a closing of one door and opening of another. A chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I still try not to make resolutions, instead I make goals. To me goals are more attainable because you need baby steps to make goals happen. Starting with small steps towards a big goal is the way to go for me! Every single time I’ve been all gung-ho with a new year resolution and making all sorts of lifestyle changes, I’ve failed. I’ve failed and I’ve gone back to all the bad habits that leave me unproductive and not feeling the best about myself. So, small steps towards goals it is.

For over a year I’ve been writing in a journal that includes five things I am grateful for each day and ten dreams. I started this before the new year last year. In this time frame I’ve been able to cross off two of my big dream items and I’m actively working at crossing off a few more. This journal is the Start Today Journal by the Hollis Co. The Hollis Co. is run by Rachel Hollis (Girl, Wash Your Face) and Dave Hollis. If you haven’t heard of them, their company, or the Start Today Journal…LOOK THEM UP. I love them and their message. Especially if you are a woman, a small business owner, or want to start incorporating healthy lifestyle habits. (FYI, I am not being paid to mention this brand, I just truly enjoy what they have to offer!) I became familiar with Rachel Hollis after a friend suggested Girl, Wash Your Face, as a book recommendation. I LOVED IT. It spoke to me and I was pleasantly surprised that a few of the things she talked about doing to improve yourself and life, I had started doing not too long before reading the book in an attempt to better myself and really figure out what I want to do with myself. This book just gave me so much more inspiration and fire to go after all of those goals. I’m still working on Girl, Stop Apologizing, the follow up to Girl, Wash Your Face, but I can’t wait to finish! If you’re looking for a few tools on how to get your butt up and motivated to change and accomplish things, check them out.

With 2019 being filled with ups and downs, enough change for ten families over 5 years, and some serious self reevaluation, I am definitely looking for some positivity to start flowing again. Luke and I, (Luke is my husband for those of you who do not know us personally), exchanged a list of personal goals each one of us has for the upcoming year. Luke and I are good talkers. We can talk all day long about what we would like to accomplish, what we want for our kids, our home, our finances. But we SUCK at taking action. Even though I’ve been trying to change that habit for myself for over a year, and I have fallen off the band wagon a few times and gotten back up, we have never done it TOGETHER. The “together” part is the piece that has been missing. Of course, Luke knows my love of essential oils, nutrition, and most things earthy and natural. Of course, I know he wants to go back to school and get his masters degree. But there are other things that I dream about that I’ve never told Luke. Why? I don’t know…fear, embarrassment, lack of finances, lack of time? Whatever the excuse is, that’s why. But deep down I’ve known that in order to help make all of these dreams I have come true, I need to let him know they even exist. So. Yesterday we had a lunch date and I brought my list of goals. The list of goals that we talked about meeting about and discussing every Sunday to keep each other on track…WEEKS AGO. There’s that talk and no action thing we’ve got down so well. It was just supposed to be a little lunch to use up some gift cards and get out of the house together. But I decided to take the opportunity and get these weekly meetings in motion. My list included everything from business to education to wife goals. After we finished eating I nervously brought out my notebook and shared it with him. I have to say, it felt good to let him in on what I want for myself, us and our kids. It was like a weight off my shoulders. I’m still nervous about the thought of attacking these goals, but I do know that I can do it! I think that the most important thing for me, which I’m terrible at, is communicating those goals/dreams with people. It’s an insecurity. The crazy part about it is, once I do I always feel recharged and motivated…why do I do this to myself!?!

Moving on into the new year, what are your thoughts on resolutions or goals? What things are you planning on starting or finishing? What are some of the things that hold you back from reaching those accomplishments? Lastly, what would be something that could help you reach those goals that you’ve been dreaming about for so long??

I hope you have a beautiful start, middle and end to the New Year whether you are keeping resolutions or reaching goals!

Elizabeth

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To the boy who made me a MOM.

02 Saturday Mar 2019

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Dear Aidan,

It’s your 18th birthday and I have so much I want to say to you. I’m not sure where to begin so I guess I’ll go back to the very beginning.

It was mid July, I was 22 years old and about 8 weeks post neck surgery. I had recently gone home for a visit and Uncle Jon’s high school graduation party. While I was there Nana and cousin Angie both made comments similar to “Dang Lis, your butt is getting big…you pregnant??” (Leave it to family to hold NOTHING back!) My instant reaction was “HELL NO!”.

After returning home I got to thinking and wondering if maybe I were pregnant and decided to take a home test. IT WAS POSITIVE. I couldn’t believe it, I immediately started crying. First, because I had to tell my parents. I was a 22-year-old woman who was living on her own and I was terrified to tell my parents that I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready to be a parent. I wasn’t married and I hadn’t finished college. Shoot, I still had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up! Second, I didn’t want children. EVER. I knew from an early age that children were not a part of my future.

I couldn’t just sit around and worry and wonder what the hell I was going to do so I went for a drive. During that drive I did what was second nature to me. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and started to light one up. It took one puff for me to realize what I was doing so I threw that pack of cigarettes out the window.  It was that moment of “wait, this isn’t good for the baby” that knew I already loved you. A lot happened that day. I found out about you. I quit smoking and drinking. I told your dad, our best friends and my parents. And we named you. From day one you were Aidan Bradley.

Being pregnant with you was the best experience any new mother could have ever hoped for. I loved every minute of it and I didn’t need anyone to tell me, I knew I glowed.  It wasn’t the easiest time for me, my whole family lived four hours away. I had friends but there had been separation from that lifestyle for a while so it wasn’t the same and I had started feeling isolated and alone. I put all of my focus into being pregnant with you. I read book after book after book. I talked to Nana on the phone all the time for advice. I made sure I ate healthy and exercised. Feeling you grow and kick assured me that you were healthy and growing a new life made me feel so proud. Knowing you were there with me gave me the solace I needed. You were my peace of mind.

I worked up until the night I went into labor. It was three weeks before my due date and earlier that day I had noticed some changes but had a doctor appointment that morning and was told that we still had a while before you made your appearance, so I didn’t worry. I will never forget waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get comfortable and feeling what was like a small muscle pull in my side. I got up to use the bathroom and low and behold my water broke. I was in labor and you were going to be here sooner than I thought! I remembered during my childbirth classes that it could be a while before I could shower and eat once we got to the hospital so naturally my first priority was to shower and my second was to get some food on the way to the hospital!

I believe we got to the hospital around 3 a.m. All was going well and things were progressing…until they weren’t. Nothing catastrophic happened but we did stall out and I was exhausted! During those childbirth classes we learned about C-sections and epidurals. Both of those scared me and I wrote in my birth plan that I wanted a natural birth. I was actually really terrified of having an epidural, plus I knew that it could affect your APGAR score and I wanted you to score as high as you could and be as healthy as you could so, no drugs. I remember around 4 p.m. hearing the doctor say to the nurses,”If she doesn’t go by 5 p.m. we will take him”. That meant if I didn’t give birth to you by 5 p.m., they would do a C-section. I like to think that hearing those words gave me what I needed to get the show on the road and kick you out. But really, did I even have that much control over the situation?? You were born naturally, healthy and drug free, at 5:07 p.m. You were a beautiful, easy baby. No other mother was as lucky as I was to have you be my first baby.

Nana used to give me advice all of the time. Most of the time I didn’t ask for it and didn’t want to hear it, but man she was a smart lady! I find myself living by her words every single day. I know you don’t want to hear me “nag” at you but I honestly think that one day you will remember these words of mine and you will find comfort in them, just like I do with what Nana used to say all the time. Here are some things I want you to remember and hopefully you will live by, from me and Nana.

Ask for help. No one is perfect but everyone needs help sometimes and it’s OKAY. It takes a village. I needed a lot of help raising you and I didn’t ask for a long time but once I did things got easier.

If someone asks you for help, help them in any way you can.

Think of others before thinking of yourself and treat others better than they treat you. You never know what someone else is going through so be kind, it might be the happiest moment of their day.

Work hard…Nothing will work unless you do. If you want it, work for it and make it happen. Nothing is given out for free and no one is going to do the work for you so if you want it, it’s up to you.

Play hard…Enjoy your life. Life gets hard and stressful so please, PLEASE remember that while you need to be serious to take care of business, you also need to have fun and laugh. You need to enjoy the simple things. What’s the point of working your ass off if you’re not going to enjoy yourself?

Do what you HAVE to do when you have to do, so that you can do what you WANT to do when you want to do it…I’ve been saying this for years. If you don’t handle your business when you need to then you won’t have time for fun.

Think outside of the box. What I mean is, I want you to think for yourself and figure stuff out. Don’t be afraid to find answers for yourself and don’t rely on others to give you the answers.

While I mean to think outside of the figurative box, I also mean to think outside of the literal box…the phone. Look up and see the actual world through your eyes and not through the screen of a device. There is so much more to be said about your own actual experiences and not just reading or watching someone else’s.

You only get one chance to make a great first impression and you never know when you’ll be in the position to make that impression. With that said, shower. Wash your face. Wash your hair. Brush your teeth. Wear clean clothes. Basically, take care of yourself everyday. Some people will tell you not to care what other people think, I believe otherwise. It’s okay to be yourself and stay true to that, I don’t ever want you to conform to something you do not believe in. However, there are certain people who you are going to want to think highly of you. There are certain people that you should care about what they think of you.

I hope that for as much as you have given to me and taught me, that I have been able to do the same for you. As you turn 18 there are so many things I want to tell you but I’m never sure if what I say conveys what I really mean. I want you to have the world. I want you to love yourself and be confident. I want you to know that you are amazing, you really are. I want you to know that no matter how many times I tell you you’re being a jerk that deep down I’m hoping you know that I still love you so much. And that even though we fight, you are still my first baby…and we are probably fighting because I am so completely torn up inside that you will be leaving home soon and I don’t know how to handle it. I want you to know that you will always have a home where ever I am. I hope you know that no matter how hard college gets or how terrible life seems in the moment, it’s just that, a moment. It will pass and it will make you stronger, smarter, and more prepared for the next moment.

Watching you grow into the person you are has made me so very proud. You are such a sweet old soul with more knowledge than most adults I know. You love your family, it is obvious when you are interacting with your baby brother and hanging out with your little sister. You are a kid who has always known who he is and what he wants and you have never wavered. That is something I truly admire about you because sometimes I still don’t know those things about myself. You don’t ask for much and are happy with what has been provided for you. You’re sense of humor is uncommon for a kid your age, but very much appreciated. I love the empathy you have for others when they are down, the way you want to do something to help and make it better. You are a great person and we are very lucky to have you!

I was a selfish twenty-something before you came along and it is because of you I am who I am today. I grew up because of you, and thankfully we’ve grown up together. You’ve taught me how to care about someone other than myself. You’ve taught me to be a fighter and how to be courageous and strong. You’ve taught me what it means to work hard for what I need and want. You’ve taught me what true, deep unconditional love really is. Honestly, you have taught me things I never knew I needed to know. Finally, you have taught me that not only did I need you, I really wanted you. All along my heart belonged to a child but I couldn’t see that because you just hadn’t arrived yet.

Aidan, you are the first best thing that has ever happened to me.

I love you more than I could ever express in words alone and I can only hope that you feel that love always.

Happy 18th Birthday, Kid! Love, Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

Potty Training Blues

14 Thursday Feb 2019

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Before I go too far into it here are a couple of things I know already. I know that it could sometimes take a child up until they are four years old to be potty trained. I know that my child is still considered a little young to be potty training. Finally, I know that every child is different and will potty train at his or her pace. With that said, I don’t need to be told “he is too little” because he has already been trained…mostly. That is why I am writing this post.

Just after Gavin turned two I decided we should see where he is at with the potty training. My husband thought I was nuts but he was showing signs of being ready. For instance, he would tell me when he would pee and poop in his diaper. He also wanted to watch us use the bathroom, as well as the older daycare kids who were being potty trained at the same time. I figured, why not!?

I went into it with the mindset that it was just a check in. If he didn’t get it at all then we would back off. Surprisingly enough, within a few days he was staying dry all day. Within two weeks of being taken potty regularly and staying dry throughout the day he was telling us he had to go potty! I was so happy…shocked!

When my older kids were potty training I did what everyone else did, I used Pull Ups for them. My oldest was trained by the time he turned 3 (it was a nightmare because I was a first time mom and clueless). My daughter had a harder time and it wasn’t until around 5 years old that she was staying dry throughout the day. But with Gavin I decided to follow a tip from the of the mom of a boy I took care of. The advice was actually prompted by his Montessori School and I was completely on board when mom asked if I would be okay with doing the same thing. It’s simple, no Pull Ups. That’s right. Go straight from diapers to undies. That little boy was potty trained in less than 2 weeks!!! It was amazing. I strongly urged another family to try the same thing with their little girl as she was pushing the four-year old mark and once we all got on board she was trained in about a week as well. Of course because they were little, there were some accidents but we had what I would call potty training success pretty quick. So when it came time to try it with Gavin I said no to Pull Ups. Like I said, it didn’t take long at all before he was staying dry and then asking us to go potty.

Fast forward about 6 or so weeks….REGRESSION. ????? Why does this have to happen??? So while Gavin was asking to go pee on the potty, he still wasn’t going poop on the potty. He refused and started a pattern of going early morning, or right as he was waking up from nap, while he still had a diaper on. I was fine with that because I know that part of training takes a little longer. Then all of a sudden he started having TONS of accidents, stopped telling us he had to go pee pee, and became constipated. I decided to back off because I didn’t want him being constipated. My daughter had issues with constipation and it has been a really hard road for her where that is concerned. So after putting Gavin back in diapers to avoid pooping problems he absolutely refused to go back to peeing on the potty.

It’s been a few months since being back in diapers and recently he is showing signs of being ready to be trained again. For instance, he will pee in his diaper and then tell me he just did it. He has woken up a few times recently with a completely dry diaper in the morning and at nap time. And he will TELL me when he is about to go poop, then go into the foyer to do his business. His current pattern though is the most frustrating. The last few weeks he has been pooping right after I lay him down for nap, or shortly after. It’s been brutal because after I change him, and hope with will go to sleep, he stays up. My kid will not nap anymore. I’m lucky if I get one nap a week out of him. I’m losing my mind!!! Okay, back to business…this post is about potty training and not my depression over my kid not napping!

Because he has been showing the other signs of potty training, and I’ve seen this pattern of pooping, I’ve decided to use it to my advantage. I’ve started putting him on the potty to poop right before nap time in hopes that he will go because it’s around the same time he has been going. NOPE. He waits me out and then poops as soon as he gets into bed. I’ve been told and I’ve read that a drop of peppermint essential oil in the potty could help. I’ve tried it a few times and I can tell it’s starting to work and then just like that he closes up shop…the little turd! I really thought I was more stubborn than he is but he is proving me wrong. After two attempts today, one before lunch and one after lunch, totaling about an hour and twenty minutes, I put a diaper on him and laid him down. This was after all of the things I tried to keep him calm and relaxed and encouraged to go…essential oils (peppermint in the toilet and Digize on his tummy), hand holding, switching potties three times, Dinosaur Train, Monkey Potty (YouTube it, it’s ridiculous), and some classical music. He passed right out today but the kid was exhausted from waiting me out and holding it in…and because I put a sleepy blend on him during lunch because dammit if he’s not gonna poop on the toilet then he is at least going to sleep!

I’m really trying to find the beauty in potty training…I’m guessing it comes when they are actually trained LOL…but for right now I’m struggling.

 

From Young to Gray Part Two

01 Friday Feb 2019

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I am just about a week away from the one year anniversary of the blog I wrote about letting my gray hair run wild. I am extremely over due for an update but better late than never, right?? I’m super happy to report that I have stuck with it. I have not colored my hair in over a year!! I’m not gonna lie, there have been a few times, especially when seeing a picture of my pretty colored hair, that I almost told my stylist to get the dye out and cover those bad boys. But in all honesty, I’m really digging my hair. I have natural highlights, I’m saving money and I am not going to the salon every 4 weeks for touch ups. Oh, and let’s not forget I’ve reduced the amount of chemicals I’m exposing my body to! There have been things to get used to, like my appearance. Maybe it’s just me and some lingering insecurities, but I feel like I do myself up just a tad bit more than I would have normally because I want to maintain a youthful appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not high maintenance and of course I leave the house without makeup. Actually I rarely put makeup on. But when there is an event or a get together I feel like I am putting in a little more effort. Texture. The texture of my hair has changed and it was something I noticed immediately with the outgrowth.  It worried me at first because I have been so used to smooth hair due to dyeing it but to be honest I feel like my hair is just as manageable. Confidence. I mentioned lingering insecurities above, and that might be true. But the confidence I feel regarding my hair and my appearance far outweighs any lingering insecurity! I only have a hair cut or two before my hair is completely grown out and I cannot wait!!! I love the variation in the white and silver against my dark hair. So, unless I find myself in some crazy midlife crisis, my hair is staying in its natural state! Wait, maybe me deciding to let it go natural is due to a midlife crisis!?? Either way, I’m happy with it and my hubby likes it too!!

Now for what you really want…the pictures.  My hair is naturally curly, but lately I have been blowing it out and that’s what you will see in these pictures…along with my tired eyes. You can also see the last bit of color that is there. Not too much longer!!!

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So, what do you think? Have you considered going the natural route with your hair?

Until next time, find the beauty friends!

 

 

From Young to Gray

07 Wednesday Feb 2018

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This post is a long time coming. Well, a few weeks really but it’s been in the back of my mind for a very long time. The decision to let my gray hair grow out was not easy to come to and I had a LOT of anxiety over it. So much so that I consulted with three hairstylists and LOTS of internet and Pinterest pictures. I’ve always been pretty adventurous with my hair. Everything from length to color.  I’ve also always been told I look so young. My girlfriends always tell me my face looks too young to let my gray hair grow out. I was even told by a friend to not let it grow out because no man finds gray hair sexy. I asked my husband if he will still like me if I grow my grays out..he said maybe. (Okay, don’t get up in arms, he was joking!) While all of that went through my mind in deciding my next step I couldn’t help but wonder…What do I even look like with gray hair? What kind of gray do I have, silver, white, dull, bright? Am I even fully gray or is it nicely dispersed throughout? I am not a “high maintenance” kind of woman but I do care what I look like. In my day-to-day life I am extremely casual but when it comes time to be part of functioning society I enjoying getting dolled up and looking cute.  Lately, about a week after getting my hair touched up and colored I would start to see shimmery outgrowth within a week. By the time 4 weeks were up and it was time for my next hair appointment my hair was looking skunk-ish.  I think this was more detrimental to my self-esteem than anything. I always wondered how noticeable my hair was to other people.  Aside from that, trying to fit in appointments every 4 weeks was starting to get stressful…and not to mention pricey.  It was just all starting to seem like a lot more work than I might really be willing to do for just my hair.

Before coming to this decision I did a lot of research on how to grow out the grays and looked at a lot of pictures.  Thankfully in my search I was pleasantly surprised to see many women my age, (I turned 40 last summer) and even younger, rocking out their gray hair.  The hair styles all ranged from short fun bobs to beautiful flowing locks and every shade of gray you can imagine.  Seeing these photos gave me inspiration and a positive outlook on my decision and I was starting to not feel so “old”.

I made the decision to grow out the gray hair a month ago and I’m almost 3 weeks from my last hair appointment.  At that point my hair was already 4 weeks grown out. I took a little length off the back and added some foil highlights only, no touch up to the roots, to help transition the grow out phase.  My stylist initially was hoping for a lighter blonde and not so much a copper color but my hair is pretty dark. Even so, I do think that the highlights helped a lot because I would look like a skunk otherwise. My next appointment is in about 3 weeks to see what the progress is and where we go from there.  So far my hair is growing out really fast and I have to say, I am not that upset.  My curiosity for what I look like with my natural hair grows more and more every day and I think I’ve embraced this transition fully.  I am still a little self-conscious because I can’t help but think that people who see me out and about probably think that I am homeless.  Okay, maybe they don’t but either way I remind myself of the goal and feel reassured that I am doing the right thing for me. And hey, if in the end I don’t like it I can always cover it back up, right?!

So I know you are all thinking, show us the before pictures already!!  Okay, okay…here you go. Just keep in mind…I am not a model and I don’t always think ahead enough to put on make up because I will probably take before pictures later…so basically I look a little rough around the edges, but hey there’s beauty in that, right!?

Here is my before. 4 weeks post all over color. Pretty scary.

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Same night, but after foils to add highlights. Still scary.

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Two and a half weeks post foils. For some reason not as scary.

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So, there ya’ go! The beginning phase of my gray hair grow out.  If any of you are thinking of doing the same, I hope I’ve provided some relief and inspiration.  I’ll continue to update this post with pictures as my hair grows out.  My next appointment is in three weeks!!

Here’s to finding the beauty in gray hair!

 

Mish-mash

25 Tuesday Aug 2015

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My brain isn’t working today. Not that it’s fully functioning on a daily basis, but today it’s definitely not working. I’ve been sluggish and without motivation all day. With that said, my thoughts are going here, there and everywhere and I’m not sure how much cohesiveness there will be in this post. Why am I writing then, you ask? Well, I’ve been wanting to write all day but have been unsure of which topic I’d like to tackle. I thought if I just start typing something will come to me.

So far nothing.

I’m going to start with my daughter Lauren. She’s 11 and starts junior high in two days. My girl is usually a very laid back, happy-go-lucky girl. So after a week of sobbing; complaints of stomach aches, headaches; saying her heart is racing and she can’t breathe I’m ready to pull my hair out. This came out of nowhere and I’m really trying hard to be as supportive as I possibly can while maintaining my sanity. These complaints come at night only and of course after I’m already in bed drifting off. I know for at least the last year her moods and emotions have been in sync with my monthly cycle, which is just fan-f’n-tastic. Seriously, I can’t even handle my own hormones, how am I supposed to handle both of ours at the same time!! It just so happens that a week ago I started my own pms-ing. At first I thought that’s what it was, she was just synced up with me and being super emotional. After two nights of the sobbing and her repeatedly coming into my room I decided to sleep down in the living room with her (At least my husband would get some good sleep, lucky guy that he is didn’t even know I was gone!) I slept on the couch and she slept on the floor right next to me holding my hand while we talked. And talked. And talked until 1 a.m and she said, “mom, it’s like we’re having a slumber party on a Thursday” and I replied in a sleepy one eye open voice, “go to sleep now”. I came to the conclusion on the third night that this was more than emotions. This was anxiety. She’s anxious about starting 6th grade. Duh! So, in an effort to ease her nervousness the very next day we finished her school shopping, replaced her dead fish from the carnival with a bright colorful beta, got her a new outfit for the first day of school and even got her a bunch of locker decorations. That night we organized all of her supplies and I printed and taped her schedule in her trapper keeper. I was so please with this that even I felt better, and I’m not the one who’s nervous. I thought for sure she’d go right to sleep. Hell no. This child was in and out of my room for an hour. After being sternly talked to by the dad, she went to sleep. Now, tonight was supply drop off and she was looking forward to it. It went well! Her locker is decorated, she met her home room teacher and she had her picture taken. All should be well…but it’s not. We get home and she’s getting “the feelings”. Tonight she got a spa bath…nice warm water, epsom salts, lavender oil, candles and a bath pillow, even a cup of sleepy time tea. If this doesn’t help the child relax I don’t know what will! I can’t help but think I really hope this is just nerves over starting junior high and in a few days she will be fine. Otherwise, dear Lord PLEASE just let her get her period already.

No wonder my brain is mish-mash today.

Anyone else go through something like this? If so, what did you do to handle it and how did it go/end up? I’d love some feedback 🙂

 

 

The Ugly Duckling

19 Wednesday Aug 2015

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Today was a big day around the Jones Homestead (remember when I said I really liked homesteading?? I meant it). Today was Aidan’s first day of Freshman year….HIGH SCHOOL. Over the last week or so I have thought back to my days in high school, my days as a freshman in particular, and today was no different. Okay, so I also have been thinking about how old I feel, but I guess that’s irrelevant.

For me high school was just “eh”. Many people say high school sucked, many say it was the best years of their life. Me? “Eh”. In all honesty it was middle school that was brutal. I dreaded every day, sometimes begging and pleading with my mom to let me stay home. I was teased, snickered at, made fun of. It was awful. I entered high school feeling even more withdrawn and awkward. How could I not be, I was 6’0″ tall and resembled a baby giraffe. My brother actually made a great jab at me one day. I had been out with my best friend and when I walked in the house I asked him if anyone called for me. To that he said, “yeah, Big Bird…he wants his legs back”. Naturally I was annoyed but with my best friend cackling and howling with laughter behind me I decided to let it slide…I think because I felt bad for him. I mean I’m smarter AND taller, he should feel good about himself sometimes. With that said, I did make friends. I did participate in some extra curriculars. I do have a few wonderful memories. But I really, REALLY was awkward. Take a look at some of these pictures….I should have been given citations for my wardrobe choices.

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And DON’T get me started on my Senior pictures…..why? Just why? (I’m actually teetering on whether or not to actually include these two photos…ugh, what the hell, why not!?)

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Thank heavens everyone had to wear the same robes for graduation, there’s no telling what I would have shown up in. There’s no telling what I was wearing underneath it, to be perfectly honest. But I do know I did not take that robe off until I got home.

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Thankfully I ended up blossoming as an adult, and definitely dressing better. I like to think of myself as The Ugly Duckling; truly awkward as a young woman but turning into a beautiful swan. This is my husband and I on our wedding day. I have never felt more beautiful than on this day!

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Thinking back to the kind of high schooler I was and watching my son enter high school is so drastically different. He absolutely loved middle school (I think he went to almost every school dance, if he could) and has been so excited to start high school. For the longest time I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he was ready for the big step, that he actually was looking forward to it. How in the world could he feel this way for when I was in this same phase I was terrified? Don’t get me wrong, he has displayed some trepidation, but has gotten over it pretty quick. Then it dawned on me. Aidan and I are the same, but so very different. He is me, but extroverted. He feeds off of his friends, they recharge him, bring him to life. It’s no wonder he’s been excited for high school and all of the social activities it entails. So while I have been sad, scared and wrapped up in my own emotions over my first-born entering high school…his happiness and excitement have made me happy and excited. I’m actually thrilled for him and truly thankful that the ugly duckling stage for him will be a short-lived phase. I’m looking forward to being there for all of his adventures and to cheer him on. Who knows, maybe this is a chance to relive my high school days in a not so introverted way!

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Until next time, find the beauty!

 

I have this tattoo…

12 Wednesday Aug 2015

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I have this tattoo just above my left hip. It’s a pretty big size puzzle piece that is supposed to resemble stained glass and reads “beauty in unfinished edges”. I love this tattoo so much as it has some pretty deep-rooted emotion and meaning behind it, I designed it on my own, and it is a constant reminder that I don’t have to be perfect. See, I spent many years trying to achieve perfection in many different areas of my life only to come out failing in the end. I failed at school, my marriage, emotionally and financially. I honestly had very little self-worth and couldn’t for the life of me understand why anyone, male or female, would want to spend their time with me. I constantly compared myself to my friends and family. I mean seriously, what did I have to offer anyone on any level, romantically or socially? I never finished college, even though I attempted to quite a few times. I was married, had two kids and divorced by the time I was 30, talk about damaged goods. I’ve never traveled anywhere exciting, in fact I flew for the very first time two months ago….TWO MONTHS AGO, I’m 38 for crying out loud!!! (That story will require its own post) What in the world could I possibly have to contribute to any conversation with anyone, I hadn’t even flown until this year?! While friends my age were finishing college, starting careers and traveling I was raising babies and trying to make ends meet. In my mind I was on a different playing field and there was no way I could compete.

While I still question my self-worth and desirability to others, I have come a long way from the girl who felt like she didn’t measure up. Seeing my tattoo every single day in the mirror reminds me that life is one big puzzle that has many pieces. Those pieces are unfinished waiting to be found and put together. Some are smooth, some jagged, some straight, some angled and some curved. I’ve come to realize that no matter what shape the puzzle piece, or how big the puzzle, life isn’t perfect. My life isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I can mess up, I can be emotional, I can feed my children cereal for dinner sometimes and I can have a laundry pile on my bedroom floor for weeks and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I have been able to find the beauty in my unfinished edges and be okay with it (most of the time, I’m still learning).

Starting this blog is a big deal for me. I’ve started other things but have figured out pretty quick that they’re not for me. I have sat and wondered what it was I was good enough at that I could feel confident enough about to share with others. I’ve thought about writing in the past but never really knew what I would write about or where to start. It just occurred to me that I don’t have to write a full book right off the bat. I decided to start a blog and just start writing and see where it takes me. I’m not going to promise you a new post every other day. I’m not even going to promise you a theme. What I will promise you though is honesty, humor, true stories and adventures. You can look forward to reading about my path to learning how much of an introvert I really am, my learning I have ADD (I’m blaming all my failures on my ADD by the way…and my first marriage, that wasn’t my fault), or my battle with anxiety. One day I might be a fashionista, the next an artist. Regardless of what I’m writing about I am truly looking forward to sharing my life and letting my creative juices flow.

Until next time, find the beauty!

Elizabeth

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